Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
