Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
