Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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