Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Randomize
