It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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