Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
