I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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