I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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