You're my little dorito
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
