that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
