listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
