Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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