Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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