if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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