my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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