Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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