We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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