Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
