Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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