I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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