Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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