he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
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But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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