So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
