i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
