"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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