He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
