I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
