Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
