Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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