Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
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