What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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