Kareoke will never be a sober sport
thus making me awesome and them whores
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
