More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah