I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.