farters have to be the big spoon...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
