You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
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We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
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Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
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