she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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