i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
