Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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