The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
