All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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