Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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