I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
