it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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