I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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