Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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