I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
