you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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