I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
