by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
