remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
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Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Randomize
