i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!