The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
why didn't you poke me back
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
