Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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