I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
