Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
