Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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